Last week I realized that I'm not so sure I know myself anymore. For instance, I put beans on my salad (actually we should probably start with the fact that I even had a lunch of just a salad, but I think the beans part is more significant). I put beans on my salad, I ate them, and I even liked it. I have never liked beans.
AND I've been taking naps sometimes. AND today I skipped class (but it was math class, so can you really blame me?). These are things I have never ever ever done before. Or at least not very often.
But that's just the beginning.
To give you a real sense of where I am, you should listen to these songs, in this order, then listen to the explaination.
Of course, not all the details mentioned in the songs are quite right, but I think you get the general idea.
Now for the explanations.
Song 1 - So basically, I feel like a mess. That's the best way I can describe it. I've had two flat tires in the last month (and I should add to that that I've only had the stinkin' vehicle for a month and have only driven it twice. How's that for a great track record? Granted, the first one was pretty much completely my fault. The second one I'm not so sure I deserved.) That with the million other little things that make college life insane (you know, classes, almost forgetting assignments, working a new job, trying to plan for the summer and next school year, and when possible I like to have a social life too). I frequently forget how good I have it. So there's the explanation for the first song choice.
Song 2 - About a week ago I came face-to-face with my sin (my selfishness in particular), and was overwhelmed with absolute disgust. I made me want to be physically ill. I've always struggled with understanding what it means to "hate your sin." I've heard pretty much my whole life that to really love Jesus you have to hate your sin, but I honestly had no idea how to hate my sin or even what sin was in my life that I needed to hate. I've always taken for granted God's grace and sacrifice. But coming to a better understanding of just what Jesus' dying on the cross was made me realize what a disgusting person I am. Needless to say, I definitely needed the words of Aaron Keyes' song. Wow. How freeing! I want to run into an open field and just spin around in circles in gratitude. So that's the second song.
Song 3 - So, after coming to the realization that I'm a pretty wretched person as mentioned in the last paragraph, I realized how much work Christ still has to do in my heart and life. I can't keep taking for granted the gift He has given me. Yes, he has made me spotless and clean and pure again, but I shouldn't be content with staying how I am. I am so so grateful for his cleansing that I don't want to hurt him anymore with my sin. I don't want to be this selfish person anymore. I want my heart to be in line with his heart. I want to be remade. I want to care about other people more. I want to care about myself a WHOLE LOT LESS. I'm not where I need to be. He's not finished with me yet. So that's song number three.
Song 4 - I've also been learning that God loves me. Not just loves me like how someone likes there new pet puppy. He loves me. Wholly and completely and passionately. This is a Song of Solomon kind of love going on here - flock of goats and two pomegranate halve and the whole bit. And I've been learning how to love him back. It's a slow processes, but I think I'm getting there. So that's song four.
Yep, well, that's my life right now. I'm broken, I'm selfish, I suck at driving a huge van on these tiny little Nashville streets, I have a strange bond with Francesca Battistelli (seriously, it's getting a little weird), and I am a work in progress. And I am loved.
No comments:
Post a Comment